It was the first morning of a two-week hiatus I was called to take at the shore. It was a greatly needed time to relax, to renew, and to just be. A time to learn to “be” without a schedule, obligations, or a to-do list.  Coincidentally, a dear friend used the term “internal distractions”   in a recent text about her own hiatus.  It got me to thinking! We fill our lives with all kinds of internal struggles,  to-do lists and distractions to keep ourselves busy when all we crave is some quiet time. Even in that quiet time, we start to fill it with anxious energy of what has to be done or not done, guilt, and overwhelming thoughts.  So this morning I woke, made a cup of coffee, sat out on my balcony, and watched the sunrise. It was absolutely glorious; a gift from God! I used all my senses to take in the glory of the sunrise. I  heard the pounding of the waves, smelled the sea air, felt the gentle breeze, tasted the salty air, and saw the vibrant colors and sparkle of the sunrise. My idea of a perfect morning;  waking up to a piping hot cup of coffee and watching the sunrise with my journal and pen in hand. As I wrote all the things I was grateful for,  I kept sipping my coffee. I did not know how to work the coffee machine in my unit, therefore, my coffee was bitter. I kept sipping it anyway. I even tried to “will” it to taste better. All along, not even a block away, was a deli that had delicious coffee, pastries, sandwiches, and all kinds of delightful foods. I thought, ” I can walk to the deli,  get a cup of coffee, but then I am going to see and smell the cinnamon buns and apple fritters. Oh, they are so delicious and decadent. I’ll have to get one.”Do you think I walked and got the cup of coffee?  NO, I DIDN’T!  I spent the next 15 minutes arguing with myself as to whether I should go get that cup of coffee or not. Absolutely ridiculous!!!  All along I sat there sipping that disgusting cup of coffee. Allowing it to truly take away from the joy of the majestic view before me.  With this internal struggle, I started to write in my journal.  What came to me was; “Are you not worthy of a decadently rich, savory,  sweet life? Are you not worthy to enjoy such an indulgence? What I have laid out in front of you is precious and beautiful in nature and yet, you are self-sabotaging by continuing to sip that disgusting cup of coffee.”  I really started to ponder, “Why would I settle and what is God trying to teach me?”  When I finished writing in my journal and processing this ridiculous internal struggle, I decided to walk to the deli.  I got a piping hot delicious cup of coffee and I even bought myself an apple fritter.  When I got back to my unit, I took that apple fritter, laid it out on a beautiful plate, and cut myself a small piece.  I placed it next to my cup of coffee. I walked out to the balcony and took in the beautiful view of the ocean. I felt the breeze and warmth of the sun. I sat and enjoyed my cup of coffee, the piece of the apple fritter, and the glorious view in front of me. I savored each morsel, tasting,  and absorbing all the sweetness it had to offer. All the indulgence and all the love. When I was done, I didn’t feel like I settled for less than I deserved. I felt worthy of such a delicacy. I was feeling worthy of all the sweetness, all the joy, and all the love in my life. I feltworthy of a delicious cup of coffee. I was worthy of the experience and the view that God had gifted me. I am worthy of all gifts from God. Now I need to learn how to not only receive his gifts but accept them!

With love and gratitude,

Anna

Journal Entry: What are you settling for in your life? Why?

#internalstruggles #giftsfromgod #gratitude #worthy